Since I wrote about the new moon a couple weeks ago, and I am a moon-worshipping lunatic, it’s only fitting I should write about this latest lunar phase.
I honestly don’t know what the hell I am going to write because I am still trudging through demon shit piled hip-high. (it feels more like pushing through a pool of demon shit that’s over my head, but I’m trying to sound optimistic.)
Folks (you know, folks) say that it might be my attitude, or in the world of rah-rah motivation land, it’s my mindset.
Perhaps that’s true, and I should just be fucking grateful and put on a happy face.
My sponsor actually suggested the other day that instead of telling him the things that are not okay, that I start the conversation with how fucking wonderful everything is.
I get the rationale behind directing one’s mindset towards the positive to effect a positive attitude and warm fuzzies.
I’ve even written about the merits of such…
And at the same time, sometimes, it feels like complete bullshit or spiritual short-cutting to pretend everything is great.
So, yeah… the struggle is real.
And reflecting on the full moon is a great time to examine progress I’ve made towards the intentions I set under the new moon.
What’s So Super About This Moon?
A super moon simply means it’s closest to Earth during this phase of its orbit. Google says it’s happening three times this year.
If you care, the moon is also in Capricorn.
These things are relevant to me because I am a Capricorn and the proximity of La Luna happens to coincide with the heightened feelings of heaviness and rearranging going on in my life.
Supposedly, the new moon was in Cancer and was intended to be a time of healing.
And as a reminder for you non-astrology folks (who are actually still reading this woo dribble of mine), a new moon is a time for setting intentions.
You may recall this last new moon, I set the intention to distance myself from certain women in my life as I work on my codependency and romantic obsession issues.
I did set an intention to do some healing.
What I did not sign up for (knowingly) was the excruciating pain of change.
Somehow, I forget sometimes as a person with Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), that change and growth are extremely uncomfortable for me.
I imagine I’m not unique here, and others out there experience this soul-wrenching from time to time.
I’ve recently used the analogies of a butterfly’s metamorphosis and a bull snake’s skin shedding to describe this [insert sarcastic tone] beautiful process.
It feels more like someone ripped my brain and beating heart out of my body, threw them in a frying pan, added a little garlic, butter, cheese, hot sauce, lead paint, and rusty razor blades, scrambled them, tenderized my body with a morning star mace, shoved a spear up my ass, put me over a fire, turned me ever so slowly to a desired roasting level (medium rare, please), pulled me off the firepit, set me up on an iron chair, placed my scrambled (and seasoned) brain and heart back in me, topped me off with a crown of thorns garnishment (okay, that’s blasphemous), and then told me, have a nice day, young bucky!
But back to the moon and away from my self-pity soaked bloodletting…
So this super moon of ours does lend itself to some reflection…
Have I made progress?
Has it been painful?
Is anything worth having worth suffering for?
This reminds me of when I was a kid, and I routinely had knee pain. Not in the front of my knees, but behind my legs. I don’t know if it was cramps or what, but I felt fucking miserable.
My mom used to tell me that it was “growing pains.”
Okay, not Growing Pains, the beloved 80s TV show (yes, I’m dating myself here).
But growing pains…
Up until right now, I thought my mom was just making that shit up to make me feel better.
But according to the Mayo Clinic, “Growing pains are often described as an ache or throb in the legs — often in the front of the thighs, the calves or behind the knees.”
Five points to Hufflepuff – I mean Mom.
But that’s besides the point.
The point (if there is one) is that evidently growth fucking hurts!
That’s why when you learn something new (like in a class), your brain gets tired and there is some mild discomfort.
Growing new neural pathways is painful on some level.
Growing bigger bones and muscles as a kid is painful on some level.
Letting go of old toxic-shame core beliefs and dysfunctional relationship patterns is painful (fucking hurts) on some level.
I guess I’m a-gainin’ because I been a-painin’…
And like they say in AA, “We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection” (AA, pg. 60).
And even if you don’t claim shit spiritually, it’s important to note progress…
Are We There Yet?
And now for a brief message from our sponsors… (not really…)
Are we there yet?
Yes and no.
I know, I know… more of my paradoxical, both/and, dialectical philosophy….
I just went searching through older posts to give you the link where I talk a little more about dialectical thinking and thought to myself, “I should read some of my older posts when I was feeling more confident and was actively choosing a positive mindset.”
Perhaps past-me will help save present me?
I like it when past me sets up future me for success…
Here’s the link: https://greenleaf4life.blog/2022/05/26/row-your-boat/
And if you read this blog with any frequency, you’re used to that.
If you’re new…
And welcome! 🙂
What the fuck was I talking about?
Oh yeah… Are we there yet, and the answer is simple… yes and no.
Okay [loud *sigh* exhale]
Where is there?
There is actually right here…
Yeah, welcome to my world…
There is no there! There is in our imagination only! It doesn’t fucking exist…
If we think we’ll be happy when we get there, I’ve got news for you…
When you get there, they fucking moved there somewhere else!
(whoever they are)
This is called destination thinking.
And since I’m adding this while editing this particular rant, I can see clearly I need to put a pin in the whole destination thinking/scarcity mindset for another rant…
Maybe the next post will address those topics whilst upholding the virtue of gratitude… but for now, fuck that.
Just remember, there is no there, kind of…
Okay, so back to the point.
Yes, I’ve made progress on my intentions…
I have stayed single (not without some scratching and clawing and whining).
I have set and honored boundaries to stay away from women who are not available.
I have avoided those who may be.
I have gone to many support group meetings dealing with romantic obsession.
I have worked steps with my sponsor around letting go of old behaviors and beliefs.
I have spent a lot of time alone.
I have opened up to many people in my support groups about my struggles.
I have exercised nearly every day.
I spent time with family.
I took myself on a fucking date and went roller skating (which by the way is very triggering because lots of beautiful women roller skate, too)…
I brainstormed many ideas about products I want to create for life coaching services.
I designed a workshop and set a fucking date to do it.
I have been listening to podcasts about CPTSD, mindset, and a book on Audible about dysfunctional parents.
I have cried my fucking eyes out and wanted to die.
So yeah… I’ve made some progress…
And it’s been messy almost every step of the way.
I’ve made progress.
So yes, I am there yet.
I have so much more growing to do.
So I’m also not there yet.
And that’s okay.
I’m right where I’m supposed to be.
There is no arrival… because…
There is no there.
I get glimpses of joy from feeling like I’m right where I’m supposed to be.
I talked with my oldest child yesterday for a long time and cried tears of joy about how our relationship has evolved since they were a teenager.
Yes, they’ve grown…
And, I have, too.
And I am so proud of them.
And my youngest is still missing in action.
And I have cried tears of pain for them.
And… there’s nothing I can do but love them from a distance right now.
The best I can do is detach with love.
I offered them a new start to live with me.
And that’s that.
The last two weeks have been filled with a tremendous run impulse.
Several times, I have almost ran away across the country, looked into moving to another country, or joining a monastery.
And at the end of the day I remember, where ever I go, there I am.
Where ever I run to, I am taking me with me.
The best bet is to sit still and grow through this experience.
To become the fucking bull snake butterfly I fucking am!
You may be wondering what the fuck this post had to do with a super full moon, or maybe you’re wondering where the last five minutes of your life went.
In either case, it’s a win-win-win.
I wrote, you read, and we grew.
You don’t have to use lunar cycles to reflect on your progress…
But if you’re not doing it at all, the moon is pretty consistent and could serve as a reminder to check yourself.
I never said this process of thriving beyond trauma was fucking pretty.
Perhaps in the first few weeks of writing this blog, I even fooled myself into thinking I was cured and got this shit in the bag.
As my brilliant older child told me yesterday, this is a life-long process.
Just because we do a lot of hard work in therapy, in support groups, or at the gym, we still have to keep working.
Damn…. just damn.
I wish I had better news for you (and let’s be real, for me, too).
But I don’t.
Some days, moments, etc. are easier than others.
But evidently, for people with trauma, mental health, addiction, or just breathing fucking human beings, life is a struggle.
We wouldn’t have all these fucking life coaches online preaching over and over again about mindset if we didn’t need to practice it and be reminded of it daily.
I remember a kid once saying in high school that life is pain.
I thought to myself then, fuck that’s bleak.
And life isn’t really ALL pain.
But it seems like a lot of energy is spent by we humans on trying to feel fucking good – ergo avoid or get away from pain.
More and more I am seeing that pain avoidance is not conducive to recovery.
Granted, we should avoid obvious painful circumstances and people if we can help it.
But for personal growth and freedom from suffering it seems to me we need to change our relationship with pain.
The emotional pain I feel (aka demons, gremlins, inner critic, core beliefs, etc.) are all part of the process.
What I can do is routinely practice feeling these things, and then turn my attention to something else like being of service or doing something I enjoy.
I have to at some point be willing to experience the pain of loneliness and let go of the negative core beliefs that I am unlovable in order to enjoy the connection of healthy people and my times of solitude.
I have decided to go back to therapy to work on trauma stuff.
Personally, I’ll be looking for an EMDR therapist and one who is skilled in challenging core beliefs.
I choose to stay off the dating sites and am not asking anyone out.
When I feel the longing to connect with women come over me, today I surrender it to my higher power and choose not to shame myself about it.
I lovingly accept that as a part of who I am.
By doing that, it empowers me to make healthier choices.
If someone feels like home, it’s probably a huge red flag to stay away from them.
I am not going to participate in recreating old dysfunctional family dynamics with the goal of changing the ending where I feel loved and safe today.
If it’s a red flag, it’s a fucking red flag!
If it’s all green flags, I need to pause and listen to my gut (heard that on a podcast – see link below).
If it’s not a fuck yes, it’s a fuck no!
No more settling!
My intention and actions are to love who I am, love what I do, and to level the fuck up!
I may have to be single for a while to allow that to happen…
But under the Light of the Super Full Moon, I swear it will happen!
Be well 🙂
Thank you for reading my latest entry of the hero’s journey of thriving beyond trauma. If you relate, please like, comment, follow, or reach out. Stay tuned for life coaching services coming soon!
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