Almost without fail, the day after I write an impassioned post about thriving, the next day I invariably feel unmotivated…
Yesterday’s rant was about developing resiliency and doing hard shit.
This morning, I woke up feeling extra groggy, sore, lonely, and as much as I hate to admit it, sorry for myself…
Damn, just damn…
So today’s lesson, kids, is that even on the days when you’re moving slow and don’t fucking feel like it… just keep moving. Or as Dory from Finding Nemo said, “Just keep swimming.”
I hope to not offend anyone who’s experience includes hearing voices with the following.
Granted, I have not heard voices characteristic with some schizophrenia diagnoses, but what I’m talking about here are the self-defeating thoughts…
My business coach, Faith Mariah, suggests a brilliant strategy of making the negative feelings and thoughts part of your business team.
In other words, embrace and lean in to the motherfuckers.
Resisting and ignoring the fears and negativity won’t necessarily make them go away. So there needs to be space held for them – even if only briefly.
Thriving beyond trauma does not mean pretending that shit is always fucking awesome.
Thriving beyond trauma also does not mean wallowing in self-fucking-pity…
Thriving beyond trauma means accepting the feelings and thoughts as they arise and letting them go.
This requires a degree of self-reflection, humility, mindfulness, and self-compassion to do. It is a learned skill that requires daily, sometimes moment-to-moment practice.
See yesterday’s post and specifically refer to the section about Tara Brach’s RAIN method (https://greenleaf4life.blog/2022/06/16/the-road-to-resiliency/).
And today… the voices (thoughts and feelings) felt particularly heavy and demotivating.
I got up an hour later than normal because of attending a 12 Step meeting last night, and when the alarm went off at 5:30, I was deep in dreamland.
Even though my first thoughts were along the lines of “fuck this shit, I’m going to sleep in,” the very next (habitual) thought was, “Get up, motherfucker! Do hard shit!”
Although I did not snooze this morning, I was still moving very slow….
I felt a heaviness and sadness settling in.
Today’s the end of the first week of my two weeks left with my current employer.
I am feeling some fear about my financial security.
I am also feeling attracted to someone whom I am trying to distance myself from. She and I get along really well, and I am unsure of whether we’re really a good match. If you read Wednesday’s post (https://greenleaf4life.blog/2022/06/15/everybody-out-of-the-pool/), you’d know my sponsor said I am being dishonest with myself about her.
It just sucks when I get along with someone, feel a connection, want intimacy, and am choosing to avoid it. It feels like I’m fighting myself for my own good.
So this morning, my friends (demons) self-pity, fear, and loneliness decided to show up.
And in chorus, they are chanting around their bonfire (me), “Fuck this shit!”
So yeah, I’m not really feeling it today…
Fuck You and Your Feelings!
Sorry… That wasn’t me. It was one of the voices again…
Or was it?
Well, at any rate… It was not directed at you.
That’s just an example of the mental and emotional gymnastics I get to go through when I feel shitty.
My first reaction (and I’m sure I’m not unique here) is generally that there is something I am doing wrong and that’s why I feel like shit.
I go into this toxic-shame, self-blame bullshit which just compounds the problem.
In fact, it’s not even a problem to feel deflated from time-to-time. It’s only a problem to feel sad, tired, and lonely if I say it’s a problem.
But my point is, I’ve noticed my initial reaction to feeling down, angry, or what have you, is to go to work dissecting the thoughts and feelings looking for the elusive “Why?”
Now, granted that does come from years of self-reflection and working 12 steps.
And don’t get me wrong, gaining insight into motives and behaviors through self-reflection definitely has it’s place…
But where I typically go is that I am coming from a self-judging, critical energy (inherited as a child, thanks dad), and I tell myself that there is something wrong with me for feeling the way I do.
This self-indulgent, self-defeating, self-pity is what one of my sponsors called self-flagellation. I get a sick and twisted pleasure out of feeling sorry for myself and beating myself up. Evidently… otherwise I wouldn’t fucking do it.
Now this may still sound like I’m beating myself up, but this is my pattern.
And if I feel sorry for myself long enough… someone will come rescue me…
At least the little kid inside me hopes for that.
And as you well fucking know, NO ONE IS COMING TO RESCUE ME!
No one is coming to rescue you, either.
And if they are… stay the fuck away from them!
So today, I once again went through the merry-go-round of waking up feeling like shit, judging myself for feeling like shit, trying to justify why I should avoid life and feel fucking sorry for myself, and then finally surrendered to the fact that I get to feel the feelings, practice self-acceptance, and make the decision to keep fucking moving – regardless of how I feel.
That’s thriving beyond trauma and developing resiliency.
Show up on the tough days!
Do The Next Indicated Thing
The next indicated thing for me is to keep my commitments.
I have a commitment to get up, meditate, journal, text three things I’m grateful for on a daily group text, do a shitload of burpees, and write this fucking blog.
So far, today, I’ve done all of those.
The meditating and journaling are the easy parts for me.
This morning, I did 64 fucking burpees because I made a commitment to a work out partner and myself. Even though she has not been keeping up on the daily challenge – I made the fucking commitment to myself, and today my commitments mean something.
My commitments are a major part of maintaining my integrity and self-esteem.
And today, when I was 30 some-odd burpees in, the question of “Why, the fuck am I doing this?” came to mind.
The why here is important…
Maybe, at first, it was to impress this woman who’s doing the challenge with me (of course it was… who I am trying to bullshit here? 😉 ).
Then, doing the challenge became about pushing myself and proving I can do hard shit.
There’s a certain amount of pride that comes with doing this daily challenge consistently.
But pride and attention seeking will only go so far…
Today, as I was digging deeper into my psyche and personal yearning for something magical, I became aware of this need to do the fucking challenge to develop greater resiliency to feeling defective and alone.
I want to overcome the needy, desperate side of myself.
I want to overcome the fearful, self-pitying side of myself.
I want to develop resiliency and be a confident and strong person.
Pushing myself is about developing the toughness to persevere, realize and embrace who I really am, and to accomplish my dreams regardless of whether anyone fucking likes me or not.
I had to go to a dark, desperate side of myself to find the why and push through.
I’m not seeking to push away my perceived weakness and insecurities…
Okay, maybe I am.
But I’m also trying to prove to myself that I am not that weak little child anymore that could not be himself, defend himself, and believe in himself.
Each fucking time I show up and do those fucking burpees and write this fucking blog, I am building belief! I am building internal and external muscles.
I am rewriting the narrative in my life that thinks I’m an unlovable weak victim.
The new narrative is that I am an amazingly talented fucking writer and spiritual leader.
I have a message worth sharing that will (and does) help many people.
I have a magnetic personality and energy that vibrates at an attractive frequency.
By embracing my insecurities, honoring my commitments, and keeping my mindset in check, I am thriving beyond trauma.
Learn who you really are.
Get help if you need it.
Find out what your weaknesses are and go to work on them.
Do the opposite of your weaknesses.
If you think you can’t, then you’re right, you can’t.
You have a choice.
Try doing the opposite of what the self-defeating thoughts say.
“I can’t get up early.”
Tell yourself you can and fucking do it.
“I can’t post content because it’s not perfect.”
Tell yourself you can and fucking do it anyway.
No one’s coming to rescue you!
They’re not coming to rescue me, either.
Yesterday, I posted some edgy content on social media to remind people that I am not here to fucking entertain you or go viral by doing some weird shit.
I was nervous about posting it because I thought it might scare people away from following me.
Then, I decided, fuck it! I’m going to be myself. I am trying to attract a certain audience, and I don’t need everybody’s fucking approval.
The people I am meant to help will stick around and join me on this journey!
I am here because there are those of you who are fucking miserable and stuck and need me to call that shit out, give you guidance through my own lived experience, and help you realize your own fucking potential to accomplish what you want in life.
And then there are those of you who don’t need that from me. And I appreciate you reading anyway and getting whatever it is you get from this.
The point (of many points here, evidently) is when you feel like shit, fall back on your commitments and do the next indicated thing…
My commitment today is to consistently push myself, produce authentic content, and encourage you to be your fucking self.
Like the video said… If they don’t like you for being yourself – FUCK THEM!
As I’m always saying, find out what you want, make the commitment, and learn to thrive beyond trauma by being consistent.
Your momentum will carry you when you don’t feel like it.
Commitment will bring back your motivation.
Expect to not feel like it.
And do it fucking any way.
(I won’t use the Nike meme again here, but you fucking get it.)
I didn’t feel like getting up and writing today, and I did it anyway!
Show the fuck up!
Do a shitty job!
On the days you don’t feel like going, feel the feelings with as much self-compassion as you can, let them go, then become your own coach or drill sergeant and tell yourself to stop feeling fucking sorry for yourself and get the fuck up!
Just keep swimming…
Just keep moving…
Move slowly if you have to.
You have more energy and ability inside of you than you think.
Positive thinking follows positive action.
Just do the fucking thing, regardless of how you feel or what you think.
I feel a lot a better now that I’ve written this post and did my burpees than when I did when I started.
I still want to go lay back down and take a nap.
I just fucking may!
But the point is… I got up and honored my commitments.
I did the next fucking thing.
I still took a shower and shaved when I didn’t feel like it.
I logged into my work computer and am responding to emails (and I really don’t fucking want to do my job any more – I’ve got short-timers so fucking bad – but it’s my fucking job – at least for another week).
If you don’t know what to do, do the next indicated thing.
Make your bed.
Get some fucking coffee.
Make a gratitude list.
Take a shower.
What ever the fucking thing is.
Do the next indicated thing and keep fucking moving.
Do yourself a favor!
You will feel so much better about yourself if you just keep fucking moving.
Fuck those self-defeating voices in your head.
Just like the man said, if they don’t like you for being yourself – FUCK THEM!
And yes, that applies to the voices, too.
Fuck those fucking fucks!
Have a wonderful day! 😉
Thank you for being my ride-or-die audience today! It means a lot to me that I have people who read this and comment. So to all of you, thank you! Please continue to like, comment, follow, and reach out. I also offer Life Coaching services. If you are feeling sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, reach out and we’ll get you on track!
Also. check out my weekly podcast! I have three episodes and the next one will come out this Sunday! It’s on all major platforms.