Welcome, friends, to another installment of Mastermind Theatre!
I’m feeling feisty today because I’ve been cooped up with the COVID.
It has been one week since I posted last, and I’ve had a lot of time to think.
In fact, I’ve done a fair amount of ruminating, soul-searching, and in some cases spinning.
And now, I stand before you, dusting off the debris of doubt and insecurity to get some shit off my chest and inspire you to take some fucking action!
Down Time is Not Wasted Time
A week ago I was preparing to go on a camping trip with some AA buddies. I went to the Apache-Sitgreaves National Forest about 250 miles east of here. I did the whole Easy Rider gig on the bike and was preparing for a weekend of self-reflection and communion with Nature.
I noticed just now I used the word “preparing” twice in that paragraph…
Perhaps I was being prepared?
I was transported into my happy-place on the road to Greer. The sweeping forest curves, the smell of ponderosa pine, the fresh air… This is God’s Country.
Upon arrival to the campground, I immediately noticed the breeze…
I could hear the breeze rustling through the tree tops.
It brought me right into the moment and the peaceful recesses of my mind.
My social media post as I left Friday was, “Into the woods I go to lose my mind and find my soul…”
And find my soul I did…
It occurred to me as I felt the breeze and the moment how very on-the-go I usually am.
I welcomed this down time, and also knew that I was there with a purpose beyond relaxation.
I had some writing to do…
And not a blog post or poetry.
I had some self-reflection to do…
The Unexamined Life…
Supposedly, Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”
I wasn’t there when he said it, so you’ll have to decide for yourself.
Regardless, my experience reveals to me that I have certain blind-spots and from time-to-time, I need to write some shit down about my life and share it with a trusted, closed-mouthed friend.
In program jargon, we call this “taking inventory.”
And I was due.
I’ve told you in previous posts that my dad killed himself in August 2021. I also left a girlfriend I really liked, moved to a different state, took on a very difficult job (emotionally), and tried my hand at some dating.
Given the nature of these events and my general make-up, sometimes, I find myself overrun with resentments, fears, and guilt over harms done.
I have a history of beliefs and behavior patterns which make me feel isolated sometimes.
Now, I’ve been at this recovery stuff for a while, so I trust the process, and realize I need to do some occasional house cleaning, otherwise, I end up feeling, “irritable, restless, and discontent” (AA, pg. xxviii).
When I feel like that, I feel disconnected.
When I feel disconnected, I rely on people, places, or things to make me happy.
And they don’t work – not in the long run.
So, since we all know happiness is an inside job, it behooves me to clean out some of the junk in my head and heart from time-to-time.
And I do that by writing it out with pen and paper and admitting this shit to my sponsor.
And it works…
I am very fortunate to have a man in my life who is willing to sit by a lake with me for a couple hours as I reveal the twists and turns of my character defects.
We laughed, we discussed some of my short-comings, and I had a couple good cries…
It was just what I needed to feel re-connected to this thing we call life…
It helped me realize that I want to belong to the group.
It helped me realize that I don’t have to believe what my dad told me as a kid anymore.
It helped me realize (again), I don’t need a woman to complete me.
It also revealed to me that when I am operating from purely my own self-interests, I will resort to self-centered fear to get what I think I want.
It was very liberating to re-expose some of these things and take another step towards letting this shit go…
It’s a practice though, a journey and not a destination.
Although it was cathartic to let some of these things go by the lakeside, I still carry some of them with me and will be surrendering them daily, from moment-to-moment.
Some days are easier others…
Some moments are easier than others…
But today, the difference is I have hope and faith that I am on the right path…
So all was going well at the campsite, until I started to feel sick…
So I had this wonderful set of spiritual experiences – communing with nature, getting clean with my inventory, going on a majestic hike, and then I began to feel like shit…
The campsite is at about 8700 feet in altitude. More experienced folks than I kept telling me that I was experiencing an altitude sickness because I wasn’t used to the thinner air.
In my mind, I was like, well, I haven’t slept for shit since I got here, I’m not drinking as much water as I usually do, I’m also very sunburned, so maybe they’re right.
At the same time, I figured they didn’t really know because I had a sore throat and body aches and that feeling you have when you know you’re coming down with something…
So Sunday morning I hopped back on the bike as soon as possible to get home before I felt too shitty to ride. There’s nothing like feeling like you’re dying and staring down a five hour motorcycle ride.
Fortunately, it was a beautiful distraction, especially since I took a detour to go through the Salt River Canyon…
Maybe because I know how I felt at the time, I can tell by looking at this pic I felt like shit… But it didn’t stop me from living in the moment and enjoying the scenery!
However, when I got home, I didn’t even unpack the bike…
I went straight to my room and died…
The Plague was upon me…
I did not want anything to do with anyone.
I was hot, sunburned, and road weary.
I also had a cough, aches, and the chills.
I took a shower and receded into the shadows of my own viral-induced coma.
I called in sick to work the next day, and then Tuesday confirmed my suspicions with a positive COVID test.
The day before my roommate had confirmed she, too, had the -VID.
And so I slumber, shades drawn, peeking out occasionally for food and water.
I am grateful for friends and family who checked on me, but by and large, I entered into the void of hours of television and scrolling to distract me from my condition.
Fortunately, I am fairly healthy, so really, this round of illness was not as bad as six months ago when I still smoked and ate like crap.
Regardless, the isolation and feeling shitty did not contribute well to my mental health…
I began to notice my old friends loneliness and depression come knocking…
It’s funny what bubbles up to the surface when we’re in a vulnerable state.
Although I don’t have to believe everything I think and feel today, I think there’s some value in seeing what specters present themselves in such a state.
Regardless of what you think this song is about, to me today it’s a call to action away from hypocrisy…
Don’t get me wrong… I am imperfect and will frequently fuck up and do the opposite of what I intend to do.
But that’s the path…
A series of actions, self-reflections, and course corrections…
So “The Pot” I’ve been sitting on is blaming my lack of happiness on my life circumstances and living based in self-centered fear while grasping at love and security.
Nothing big… lol
At the same time…
I write this fucking blog and bellow repeated messages ad nauseum about seizing the fucking day (yes, I realize I used the “F” word twice) as I sit in my shit and feel fucking sorry for myself (there’s a third one)!
“I don’t like my job…”
“She’s not paying enough attention to me…”
“I don’t make enough money…”
“My routine’s off and I’m feeling weak…”
“My dreams are bullshit…”
If you’re a Capricorn, perhaps you’ll understand the gravity of Saturn and it’s brooding power.
If you’re not into astrology, but have spent some time in the muck of rumination, then you get it.
But there comes a point for me when…
ENOUGH IS E-FUCKING-NOUGH!!!
No more fucking self-pity!!!
I cannot wade in the bog of my own self-made mire without eventually wishing to self-destruct.
There is a fire within me that will not go down like Atreyu’s fucking horse…
‘Tis Time to Shit
Okay, so maybe there’s a better way to describe making life-affirming, dream-chasing choices than comparing it to defecating… but if the foo shits… lol
I have been held back by fear…
And I’m sick of it.
I have been holding onto a job that is an honorable job, and it is negatively impacting my mental health and doesn’t pay worth a damn.
I am not showing up as my best self because I lack passion for the job.
I wish I could help all of the children in a broken system.
I also don’t have to believe that I am somehow a bad person who’s trying to earn brownie points with the Almighty by working for a low wage in an environment where I am routinely exposed to vicarious trauma.
It is my dream to become a life coach and leader who helps people realize their full potential and live the lives they dream of.
If I am to inspire others to do that, I need to take the risks and do the same.
It is time to listen to my heart and take the leap!
I have decided to quit my job and make money with side hustles while I focus on building this business.
I am tired of living a divided existence…
I believe in my cause.
I will do what I love and trust the money will come.
The same goes for this dating adventure of mine.
I have (as of late) been entirely too invested in what I think certain women think of me.
I am attracting a woman who is on-board with my lifestyle and absolutely fucking adores me.
I have the energy to give her the same… whomever she may be…
But for now, if for whatever reason, a woman is unsure about us, and has her issues to still work on, that’s fine.
I am not chasing anyone or waiting around for crumbs off someone’s attention table.
I say all this because as of late, I have been feeling the pains of rejection where there really hasn’t been any. I’ve been too focused on whether I get attention or not and interpreting that as a sign of whether I’m desirable or not.
That is an OLD pattern I am happy to part ways with…
I’m not going to write here and pretend like I completely love myself and don’t care what other’s think.
Of course, that’s the goal, and I enjoy glimmers of it.
And, I recognize I have blind-spots and areas of needed growth.
So for today, I affirm my dreams, my boundaries, and I am waiting for no one!
It is time to shit or get off the pot!
And today, I shall shit!
I’m putting in my two weeks notice to my employer tomorrow.
I have made arrangements to make money elsewhere.
I am back at posting content.
I am trusting the process.
I am trusting the Universe.
All I need is within me.
Everything comes to me easily and at the right timing.
I need not fear or grovel.
I am right where I’m supposed to be.
And so are you!
It took awhile, but I finally got to the point.
The point is, figure out what you want, and fucking do it!
Take the time to self-reflect, pray, meditate, spin, whatever…
Go through the process of discovering what’s in your way and let that shit go!
Decided what you want and do it!
After deciding to quit my job and stop waiting around for someone’s approval, I felt a huge shift internally….
It felt like freedom!
A huge weight has been lifted off my chest because I am following my heart and intuition.
Everything is happening as it should.
The right people will join me at the right time.
I am right where I am supposed to be.
I have everything I need.
And so do you!
Thank you for reading another installment of Greenleaf4Life’s Mastermind Theatre. It feels good to be back writing after a week off. Please feel free to like, follow, comment and reach out. I offer Life Coaching services. If you are sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, let’s connect and get you on track!
Be well 🙂