That is a rhetorical question.
I’m considering putting my hat back in the ring of the dating world and have been ruminating (as Capricorns are apt to do).
Looking at my track record, I am certainly NOT someone you should take advice from. However, I have read a lot of books about relationships, attraction, and attachment styles.
I also have done a lot of work on my own personal codependency issues, gone to a fair amount of couples counseling, and have a basic understanding of what I want and need.
My track record has not been so hot.
So, it’s safe to say, through trial and error, I know a lot of what NOT to do.
So, this post may or may not apply to you, and it’s on my heart, so I’m hopeful it will help at least one person.
So What’cha Want?
That’s the question of the day!
What do you want?
What the hell do I want?
For a long time, I was happy with just getting attention from someone.
If she liked me, that was all I needed (for the most part).
The problem with approaching dating that way is that while it feels good to be liked and wanted by someone (dare I say it’s a basic human need), the way I was going about it is I used that attention as my source of self-worth.
That is not healthy!
Yes, I want to be loved and appreciated.
People who say they don’t want to be loved and appreciated are either sociopaths or in denial because they are love-avoidants who simultaneously crave but are afraid of intimacy (and rejection). (That’ll be a rant-post for another day 😉 ).
Babies die without love and attention!
If you only feed a newborn, but do not hold them or touch them…
It’s a basic human need to have love and attention.
Knowing that, I’m learning to not beat myself up for wanting the attention.
I don’t need to give myself away to the first person who gives it to me either.
Okay, I’ve gotten off track here. I was talking about finding out what YOU want.
That may be hard for some people (that’s what she said).
What I’ve done, is sat down, got quiet, and meditatively wrote down what I want in my ideal partner.
I checked in with my heart and my gut.
Some call this a sex ideal.
Some call it setting an intention.
Some call it manifesting.
Whatever you call it, I found it very helpful put down on paper what I am looking for AND what I’m not looking for.
It showed me my red and green flags.
(See Monday’s rant https://greenleaf4life.blog/2022/05/16/stop-painting-red-flags-green/).
Just because I made this magical list for Santa of my perfect partner, does not mean I expect this woman to just appear (okay, I do al little… I live in hope).
I realize that just because I came up with a (fairly exhaustive) list, it is probably an unreasonable expectation to find someone with ALL of the qualities I want.
No one can possibly be all things to someone.
That’s why we have friends, therapists, coworkers, pets, our own hobbies, etc.
No one can be all things to you.
I am open to being proven wrong here, and perhaps Ms. Right will manifest on her unicorn in a cloud of stardust, but until then, I need to be realistic.
So…. there’s got to be some compromise with checking boxes.
[Opens dusty tome containing ideal partner list which makes the table shake as the cover slams open with a loud thud….. creaking sound…. boom].
I would love to find an intelligent, spiritual, insightful, physically active (and attractive), humble, confident, assertive, demure, lady-like freak in the sheets.
That’s not an unreasonable starting point, right?
I really would like to find someone who’s worked on their childhood issues (if they have any) and can speak a common language with me about mental health, spirituality, and social justice.
I want her to have her own gig and interests… Dreams, goals, and to be chasing them motherfuckers down with the fervor of knowing we could all die tomorrow.
Or be super-chill and just in the flow of life. Zen works, too.
Porque no los dos?
She also needs to recognize, support, and align with my Sacred Calling.
And she HAS TO LOVE CATS!!! (non-negotiable) Bonus points for black kitties!
Is this too much to ask?
Perhaps it is?
Perhaps it isn’t?
I don’t want her to take care of me (except if I have a man cold… lol).
I’d prefer her kids are grown or older (I’ve raised my kids).
I want her to treat her kid with respect if she has them.
You get the gist….
The list goes on and on…
There’s roughly 7.7 billion people in the world, 332 million in the US, and nearly 4.6 million people in the city where I live.
Certainly, someone out there has a lot of those traits.
I don’t have to find someone with all of those traits (I did not include my full list here for the sake of not chasing away my audience of 10 people).
But I need to stick to my guns on the important traits (and avoid the red flags), in order to find who I’m trying to attract.
The Law of Attraction
Be who you want to attract.
Level the fuck up!
After I wrote my wish list for Santa, a friend suggested that I become all the traits I am trying to attract in a person.
If I want to stop the vicious cycle of codependent relationships, I need to work on my own issues of self-worth.
Today, (for the most part), my self-worth is firmly in place.
My self worth is not dependent on someone else’s approval or attention.
Don’t get me wrong…. I still like strokes and can take criticisms personally.
Today, I have a choice to have thicker skin and not allow others to affect me.
I have tools and a regular practice that has convinced me I am a worthy being and deserve love and abundance in this life.
In fact, I’m manifesting that shit as we speak.
So, if I want to find a (reasonably) healthy, spiritual woman, I need to be that myself (except the woman part). We’ll save gender-fluidity for another post.
Be who you want to be.
Be okay with the person looking in the mirror.
That’s the relationship you need to nurture.
You will be with that person (the one in the mirror) for the rest of your life.
Make peace with them.
[gulps and inserts trite and overused self-help lingo]: Love yourself!
Find out what lights your soul on fire, do that shit for yourself, and you will attract the right person.
I heard a relationship expert say that we look the most attractive to our partners when we are in the zone doing what we love to do.
Let me repeat that….
You are the most attractive when you are in the zone doing what you love.
Discover what you love to do, and do that shit.
“Build it and they will come.” (Unabashed Field of Dreams reference).
Test the Waters… A Numbers Game
My modus operandi has been to date nearly the first person to show interest in me.
Although I am grateful for every relationship I’ve been in because they’ve helped me to evolve into the fine specimen you find before you… lol
This approach has NOT put me in the relationship I crave with my soul…
I’ve had tastes of mind-blowing, transcendental experiences (this may be an unrealistic expectation to experience again… maybe not) . See https://greenleaf4life.blog/2022/05/17/holding-space-for-heartbreak/.
But the point is (if there really is one) that while I’m considering testing the waters again, I need to date several people and pump the brakes while sloooooooowwwwwwly getting to know them.
I LOVE falling in love.
Die hard fucking hopeful romantic (not hopeless)!
That’s my one of my own personal red flags and internal boundaries.
And it’s a biggie (again, that’s what she said)
So today’s approach (if I choose to open up to dating) is to take my time.
And I suggest you do the same.
Test the waters.
Write out a dating plan, discuss it with someone else, and stick to it. (email me for suggestions on dating plans)
Go on several dates.
See if you even want to be friends with this person.
Do you admire them?
Are there red flags?
Maybe there’s pink flags you’re okay with?
What are the green flags?
Do they check enough of the boxes for you?
Does it feel organic or forced?
It’s okay to feel nervous and push beyond your comfort zone.
Don’t run from fear.
Walk away from red flags.
Maybe read this article by Mark Hanson, Fuck Yes or No. https://markmanson.net/fuck-yes
Find out what you want and don’t compromise on the important things.
Find out what excites you.
Find out what makes you happy.
Get to know people slowly (before jumping in the sack).
Fucking someone can be the easy part.
Just because there’s chemistry, does not mean there aren’t red flags.
Once you sleep with someone, EVERYTHING changes.
You can’t unring that bell.
Get to know them before sleeping with them.
Slow the fuck down.
Pump the brakes.
Date several people.
Take your time.
Get to know yourself.
Get to know them.
Be who you want to attract.
Talk with your peeps about your experiences.
Be accountable to your dating plan and red/green flag list.
Your real friends (or therapist) will tell you if you’re fucking up and ignoring red flags.
And let it be fun.
By the way, all that shit I just wrote is advice I’m giving to my damned self.
I’m trying to keep myself from jumping into a situation right now because I am not sure about it, and that gives me pause.
This pep talk was for me, and I hope it helped you, too!
We got this!
Now go have some fun.
It’s fucking Friday!
Thank you for reading my post. If you enjoyed it, hated it, or aren’t sure what the hell happened to the last five minutes of your life, be sure to like the post, follow my blog, and drop me a comment or an email. I’d love to hear from you!
Thank you and be well!