This post may be a little spicy for those of you sensitive to anger and profanity.
For my audience, this rawness is for you!
One of my favorite sayings (out of many) when I’m not feeling so spiritual is, “Fuck those fucking fucks!”
I realize as a spiritual person with a heart of gold who’s trying to be kind to his fellows, this is an unkind thought and expression.
However, you have to feel the anger – it’s just a choice of whether to stay stuck there or not.
Why Is this Happening To Me?
Some have said, “Just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.”
Today, I woke up with shoulder pain, rehearsing the wounds of yesterday in my head.
My grievances included people at work criticizing me for something I did and not having the guts to talk with me directly.
It was my first time sending out a referral for a kiddo to receive a higher level of mental health care. This referral requires a ton of paperwork and is a lengthy process.
I forgot to include one document (and quickly realized my error) and then supplied said document.
I sent it to the front office to send out for approval (as I was trained to do).
Two weeks later, I get notified during supervision (by a stand-in supervisor who’s unfamiliar with the process) that I did it wrong.
Now, granted, I try to practice humility, be teachable, and approach things with a collaborative solution-based focus.
But this shit pissed me off!
The parties who were upset with how I submitted the packet did not communicate directly with me (which is our agency’s standard protocol).
Instead, they threw this third-party supervisor under the bus.
I took it personally because said supervisor told me the people involved “did not want to” talk to me.
So I began to sing my personal anthem, “Fuck this job! This is bullshit!”
I am a social worker who gets paid $18.50 per hour to case manage high needs kiddos who have extreme behavioral health/substance use challenges, are usually placed with DCS, in an inpatient facility, live in a locked down residential facility, have autism, et cetera, etc. in a broken system that does not have enough resources for them.
I May Not Be Much,
But I’m All I Think About
[insert sarcastic tone] Yes, poor fucking me!
One of my drugs of choice is self-pity. I am not proud to write that, but as I’ve written in previous posts, “it is what it is.”
This morning, I woke up thinking, I’m not going to that fucking staff meeting,. I don’t get paid enough for this bullshit.
My mind starts manufacturing symptoms (rationalizations)….
I can’t go to work because I need a mental health day (which is sometimes a good idea) – except when it’s only to avoid conflict.
I’m sick. That’s it, I’ll tell them I’m sick.
But shit, I’m trying to save my PTO (paid time off) so I can go see my kids this fall.
Fuck it! I’ll quit and drive for Instacart.
Wait, I need to get new glasses first and go to the dentist.
In the sage words of Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit:
Its just one of those days
Where you don’t want to wake up
Everything is fucked
You don’t really know why
But you want to justify
Rippin’ someone’s head off
So, Now What?
Okay, so my brain is not always my friend.
Impulsively quitting my job, staying home, or breaking stuff are not sustainable solutions.
After years of experience living with this brain of mine, I’ve learned I cannot entertain thoughts of self-destruction and resentment for long.
They will eat me alive!
They HAVE eaten me alive!
I have fucked up my life repeatedly because of resentments.
You get the point…
Today, what I do differently is I allow myself to feel the feelings.
This morning, I sat quietly, sipped my coffee, listened to some chill meditation music and watched the symphony of destruction in my head (my thoughts and a shameless Megadeth reference 😉 ).
I ask myself, what part of me was wounded?
Why am I angry?
It’s because they think I’m stupid.
They don’t like me.
I’m not one of them.
Then I look at what my expectations were.
Where did I go wrong?
I was afraid that they think I’m stupid and worthless.
I am basing my self-esteem on what I think others think of me.
I took it personally.
I expected them to treat me a certain way.
People will repeatedly let you down if you expect them to behave a certain way.
Then I get to feel resentful, want to burn my life to the ground, and they are totally oblivious of it.
Well damn, just damn…
I suffer for my resentments and self-pity – they don’t!
Then here’s something totally radical and extreme (so dramatic lol)
I pray for the motherfuckers that piss me off!
Yes, you read that correctly!
Yes, I pray that they find the same health, happiness, and prosperity I want for myself.
I find a way to see them as another fellow human being who is struggling.
I find a way to have compassion for them.
Forgiveness doesn’t make what another person said or did okay, but it does release me from carrying the burdens of anger and resentment.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to stay angry all the time, feel like a victim, hide from life, or burn my life to the ground because someone hurt my feelings.
I want fucking peace!!!!
And I want it now!!!!
Finally, I discuss the situation with another person and then try to be of service to get out of my self.
It isn’t really all about me (although, if usually feels like it is 😉 ).
I texted a buddy this morning about my tales of woe. I told him what I did about it, and now I am here posting this in the hopes of helping someone else who struggles with assholes… I mean fellow suffering human beings. 🙂
I hope this post helped.
At the very least I hope you can relate.
At the most, I hope it illustrated a process for getting free from feeling like everything’s fucked.
Everything’s not fucked!
We have a choice not to be victims of our circumstances and other people.
We can reframe our thinking.
It’s a process and a practice.
And believe me, today I felt close to the edge and questioned how can I be a life coach and write inspirational blogs when I still feel like a child throwing a tantrum inside sometimes?
That’s the journey.
That’s the work!
And we don’t have to (can’t actually) do it alone!
I’m here for ya!
We got this!
If you enjoyed or related to my rant, or want to learn more about managing difficult thoughts and emotions, like, follow, leave a comment, and/or email me. I’d love to hear from you!
Thank you for reading.
I can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Instagram @greenleaf_4_life
Thank you and be well 🙂