Purpose

Last night I went to bed around 8-8:30pm with the intention of getting up today at 4:30am. Why? Because I want to chase my dreams and it starts with writing a blog. I have a purpose, and it is to help others by sharing my lived-experience to live a full life beyond trauma.

What were my first thoughts when the alarm went off? I want to sleep more, my shoulder still hurts, I can half-ass a post later, I’m sick, et cetera, etc. I even reset my alarm for 5:30, but within 30 seconds, the power of my purpose pushed me out of bed at 4:30.

I thought of the words of Faith Mariah (my business coach), “My success is inevitable.” I also thought of how she got up at 4am and worked her ass off to get where she is.

I thought about David Goggins running on broken legs to complete the Navy Seals training. I thought about my sticky note on my accountability mirror that states accusingly, “NO SNOOZING! DON’T START THE DAY FAILING!”

Once I was up, I also started to think about Viktor Frankl – an Austrian psychiatrist who survived torture in concentration camps during the Holocaust. He went on to develop Existential Theory which basically says (and I’m paraphrasing) if we have a purpose, it gives our lives meaning, and we can do anything we set our minds to.

Faith Mariah, David Goggins, and Viktor Frankl all have one thing in common – they overcame tremendous obstacles and became successful because they had purpose. They all decided they were going to succeed.

David Goggins talks about making the small decisions – answering the small questions when we are the quitting point. The usual question is, “Why?” Why the hell am I doing this?

Self-pity and excuse-making have been some of my longest life-companions, and frankly, survival skills. Somewhere, at some point in my young life, I decided that if I felt-sorry for myself, I could manufacture an excuse (I’m sick, I’m tired, I’m not strong enough, I’m too short, I don’t have enough money, no one likes me, I’m ugly, I’m alone) and not HAVE to do anything. I would be let off the hook, and better yet, maybe someone (mom, girlfriend, wife, boss) would feel sorry for me and I’d get the love I thought I needed. It sucks writing this and posting it, and yet, it is the truth as I’ve been living it.

A simple decision to stop feeling sorry for myself has not changed how I feel overnight – although it almost feels like it. Once I developed a purpose to transcend my current circumstances and realized no one is going to rescue me, a switch flipped. After years of self-love work, I became disgusted with the excuse making/self-pitying side of me.

Don’t get me wrong, I had to love that aspect of myself to begin to let it go, but at the same time I became aware of a cognitive dissonance where two conflicting beliefs were pulling apart within me. On the one hand, I love the wounded side of myself (and it needs love). On the other hand, I am sick of the whiner in me that gets in my way of having a happy and purposeful life. Fucking sick of it!

Today, I can handle conflicting realities within me. That’s life. In order to get out of my own way, I’ve had to learn to love and loathe the same aspects of myself.

Those conflicting realities fuel my drive to succeed. Why? Because I fucking decided to.

Today, just for today, I got of bed regardless of how I felt and am chasing my dream to use my experience to serve others.

What can this mean for you (if anyone is actually reading this hahahaha)? You can push through pain and accomplish anything you want to if you have a purpose.

What’s your purpose?

Write about it. Pray about it. Meditate about it. Go scream in the fucking desert about it. But find it!

Why? Because a life without purpose is not a life – it’s an existence. And all we’re waiting to do without a purpose is time out the clock until our death while feeling sorry for ourselves.

Fuck that! Find out why you’re here, and if you can’t, make something up!

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